It's a weird thing to be so close to leaving. I realize that all this worry , all this planning will just be a memory some day I can look back on and wonder " what the heck were you so worried about" . I've come to a point where i need to take a good hard look at myself and ask myself what i am so afraid of , what is the worst thing that can happen to you?
And I find it so weird the things I have realized about myself.....
First of all , nothing is really as bad as it seems. All things in time pass and it takes those hard , awkward feelings, including lots of anxiety and stress to make you realize that life is not so scary. Yes yes, seems as if i had had some euphoric break through and maybe i have because since i've broke up from a 5 year relationship almost 8 months ago i feel that this is the first time ive taken control of myself to start to have real feelings. Yesterday ... for no apparent reason i broke down into the ugly cry lol . There were no sad songs playing, no memories that poped up into my head, no old love letter or photos that I glanced at... it was a simple phrase that came to mind and it said " Otilia I am proud of you". yes i seem to have started talking to myself, but it's so nice to hear myself again. Someone who i seemed to have lost while pouring my life into a 5 year relationship, being the family peace keeper and taking care of everyone else ... while forgetting myself along the way. And finally i feel like i am getting myself back and it feels amazing, to hear my old happy voice back. To not have to look to others to find worth in myself is the thing i was looking for (although i didnt realize how much and for how long i've done this).
I've also realized what amazing people i have in my life. Those who have encouraged me , who have stepped into my life and pushed me to do things that would reveal a side of me i needed to find but didnt know. I truly thank these people and will do everything i can to keep them in my life for as long as possible.
So as much as this is about traveling, i think it's more so about the things i am learning,. In other words, its not the experience of being there but the path to getting there, to wanting to be there... and discovering that i will be okay because i am my own best friend.
Anyways this has turned into a therapy session, but hey its my breakthrough and i am going to take advantage of it ! lol